{"id":7428,"date":"2023-11-13T08:00:11","date_gmt":"2023-11-13T13:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/?p=7428"},"modified":"2024-02-07T10:05:21","modified_gmt":"2024-02-07T15:05:21","slug":"villains-with-purpose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/villains-with-purpose\/","title":{"rendered":"The Return of Cap\u2019n Obvious: Arch Villains with Purpose"},"content":{"rendered":"

Good morning, Minions, and welcome, once again, to another episode of the Chronicles of your favorite Cap\u2019n. \u00a0It has been some time since your Cap\u2019n has made an appearance in these articles, or on other social media sites for that matter. So it\u2019s been requested, or rather encouraged, from \u201cThe Man With The Big Mustache\u201d to possibly pull The Cap out of his state of semi-retirement, which really means I\u2019ve had a dreadful case of writer\u2019s block, and I don\u2019t get out as much as I used to and observe weird situations or other comical scenarios to which I get to insert my twisted sense of humor for your entertainment.<\/p>\n

Basically, it\u2019s me calling someone dum\u2026. Errr\u2026 questioning an individual\u2019s state of intelligence, at that particular moment, using as many drawn out adjectives that are normally infused with a vulgarity or four, and sometimes other random humorous zingers just to help us all get a laugh out of any given day. \u00a0This time around though\u2026 I gotta try something different…<\/p>\n

CAP\u2019S FIRST VILLAIN:\u00a0 THE HELLSPAWNED BARBERRY.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pickerus Impalemus Maximus<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Yeah, I said it: \u00a0my first villain are the little burgundy monsters that can make a grown man scream like a little girl. \u00a0I\u2019ve said for decades that the first plant that everyone knows or learns in the green industry is burning bush. \u00a0Barberry is second because, well, pain is a WONDERFUL teacher. I recall a story a LONG time ago (back when your Cap\u2019n had a full head of hair), a contractor came in with one of his workers that was straight out of High School. \u00a0We\u2019re all riding around snagging material, and we pull up next to a gorgeous patch of these little red rapscallions. \u00a0I say to the newbie \u201cBe careful, these babies bite\u201d. \u00a0Well, when you\u2019re 18-19 years old, chances are that you\u2019re still young, dumb, and invincible.<\/p>\n

Instead of grabbing it by the pot, as ya should always do, he grabs it by the hair instead.<\/p>\n

Minions, he would\u2019ve given Mariah Carey a run for her money with the high-pitched scream that could break glass. \u00a0The contractor falls out of the golf cart laughing, only to say \u201cHe warned you! \u00a0Bwahahaha!\u201d. \u00a0He may have peed himself a little bit, I may have also, and the kid more than likely did. \u00a0Fun times for all!<\/p>\n

Remember: \u00a0These stories are TRUE.<\/p>\n

But Cap\u2019n\u2026 what purpose do these devil plants have other than shivving people that just want to help them survive? \u00a0There are a few things going for these Hellions; adaptability, and sometimes home security. \u00a0Barberry are easy to grow, come in a variety of maturity sizes, and nowadays a variety of colors. Everyone knows about pygmy barbs (remember, it\u2019s the second plant ya learn), but there are greens, yellows, variegated (rose<\/p>\n

\"\"\"\"<\/p>\n

glow),and even orange! Whether you decide to keep them short, let them grow tall, or keep them in-between, barberries are like the honey badgers: \u00a0they don\u2019t give a\u2026 well, they don\u2019t care where they go so long as they get some sun and some water. As for home security? \u00a0Plant them under your windows. There isn\u2019t any sane person out there who will attempt to use that way as an entrance or an exit. \u00a0Then again, there\u2019s TikTok nowadays, so there is a possibility for someone to use these as a landing pad when they cartwheel off a house roof while yodeling. I find it amazing what people will do just to land a few followers on social media.<\/p>\n

CAP\u2019S SECOND VILLAIN:\u00a0 THE DEMONSEED YUCCA PLANT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Painimus \u00a0Inmybuttimus<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Ohhhhh, Minions\u2026. My pure HATRED for this plant is near legendary in this industry, and yes, I am not going to go easy on this botanical nightmare that, in my opinion, originated in Hell. I say this because the taproot on these may actually reach the core of the Earth.<\/p>\n

But Cap\u2019n, why do you dislike this plant so much?<\/p>\n

For me, Minions, it\u2019s a personal vendetta that I have against this plant that goes back to my childhood. \u00a0Growing up, we had 5 BIG yuccas in our yard, and my dad wanted to do something different in that particular garden bed. \u00a0So, he says \u201cDavid, I need you to take those yuccas out\u201d. \u00a0I\u2019m 12 years old, so I\u2019m all gung-ho and say \u201cOK! I\u2019ll get em!\u201d. \u00a0Little did I know that the root structure runs so deep on these that it was probably wrapped around the Great Wall of China\u2026 and all I have is a shovel. \u00a0So, I dug\u2026and dug\u2026and dug some more\u2026 and I had success! \u00a0But, as demonic as these are, they hell-spawned the following year. And the year after. \u00a0And the year after that. \u00a0I battled these little bastards for years, and I swear they were laughing at me\u2026just like my dad. \u00a0I lost several Saturday mornings attempting to eradicate these hellions, and I have never forgiven them for almost 4 decades.<\/p>\n

Now you may be asking, \u201cCap\u2019n, what purpose does this plant have even though you want to launch a missile at them?\u201d. \u00a0Simple: \u00a0They are nearly indestructible. Full sun? No problem. \u00a0Shady area? \u00a0They don\u2019t care. \u00a0Lack of water? No problem. Nice flowers? Yep\u2026for about 3 days until the wind snaps them off. Deer resistant? \u00a0Yep, even deer hate them. Nice foliage? If variegated green and yellow works for you, then definitely. \u00a0Basically, this is arguably the best low to NO maintenance plant in Michigan. Throw these into a blank area as a filler item, and you\u2019ll have something to look at for years to come, just keep in mind that once you plant them, you\u2019re probably going to be stuck with them for eternity. \u00a0For me personally, the plastic pots that they come in should be encased in concrete and stored here at the nursery in Block 36. \u00a0For those of you who don\u2019t know where Block 36 is when you visit us: \u00a0that\u2019s our drainage pond that\u2019s about 15 feet deep. In my opinion, that\u2019s the perfect place for them to exist.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

CAP\u2019S PRIMARY ARCH NEMESIS:\u00a0 THE EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Toomanyus Eyeballius<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Minions, I don\u2019t fear many things. Snakes, clowns, enclosed places, heights, politicians, elevated mortgage rates, mimes, you get the idea.\u00a0 I can coexist fairly enough with all of those common problem children, but your Cap\u2019n does have a weakness, and the vast majority of my fellow coworkers (they\u2019re Minions also, btw) and just about everyone that asks \u201cWhere is the Cap\u2019n?\u201d on social media knows exactly what it is:<\/p>\n

FRIGGIN\u2019 SPIDERS!<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Ladies and gentlemen, evolution was having a VERY angry day when these creatures came into existence.\u00a0 Maybe a meteor hit us that day, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I find them to be, arguably, the most brutal organism on Planet Earth. An old friend of mine that I worked with here for a long time asked as to why I have this hatred and fear of a little spider.\u00a0 I then proceeded to tell him my point of view on these over-legged, over-eyeballed, and sometimes furry nightmarish monsters.\u00a0 I just gave myself chills, and I haven\u2019t gotten to the story yet.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Picture this:\u00a0 You\u2019re a bug flying along looking for something to munch on during your few weeks of living when all of a sudden:\u00a0 You stop abruptly.\u00a0 You are stuck on a sticky web that you didn\u2019t see.\u00a0 Then you turn your head only to see an unidentified object with 8 eyeballs, 8 legs, and a couple of ginormous fangs speeding towards you, and there\u2019s not a thing that can be done.\u00a0 Well, if you\u2019re in this scenario, at least it\u2019ll be over quick, right?\u00a0 Ohhhhhh Hell No! It bites you, but only paralyzes you.\u00a0 THEN these evil, vile, sneaky trappers from Hades decide to start crocheting… with sticky thread\u2026that originates from their ass\u2026 all over you.\u00a0 Congratulations!\u00a0 This abomination just turned you into a sweater. Thanks, Martha Stewart!\u00a0 So now here you are: paralyzed, stuck in a web, you\u2019re wearing a sweater in the middle of summer, feeling somewhat humiliated, and you\u2019re not dead yet.\u00a0 How can this get worse?\u00a0 Along comes Demon Child again for a little snack\u2026 and you\u2019re the snack.\u00a0 Instead of hammering down and finishing you off like an 800-pound person at an all-you-can-eat buffet, it instead decides to sip on you like a Slurpee\u2026for days… and during this whole time, the freakazoid is only getting LARGER. And hungrier.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Dramatization: No actual grenades were used in the creation of this article.<\/p>\n

Fun stuff, right? Here\u2019s some more for ya:\u00a0 Some spiders have some pretty wicked poison to boot. Think about that:\u00a0 A spider can cause significant damage to, or even kill, a PERSON with ONE BITE.\u00a0 Wanna hear another fun fact?\u00a0 DID YOU KNOW that the Daddy Longlegs spider is actually one of the MOST venomous spiders?\u00a0 Fortunately for us, their fangs are so small that they can\u2019t puncture our skin. With the way evolution goes, how long is that going to hold up?\u00a0 I may be on my 104th<\/sup>\u00a0life by then, but it\u2019s something to think about.\u00a0 Anyhoo, I finished my story with my coworker, and I seriously think that I made him gain arachnophobia through my ramblings.\u00a0 I did notice that he dusted the corners of his office a bit more often.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Dramatization: No actual spiders were harmed in the creation of this article.<\/p>\n

\u201cCap\u2019n, I want to obliterate every spider on the globe now! \u00a0They\u2019re Brutal! They\u2019re Evil! They can be deadly! Some are ENORMOUS!\u201d How can they POSSIBLY have a purpose?\u201d \u00a0As much as I hate to say it, we do need them. \u00a0Why? \u00a0They eat bugs, maybe like that damn Box Moth that\u2019s causing some havoc around Michigan lately. It\u2019s Nature’s Insecticide! \u00a0 As much as I want to stomp, drag, and smear them 6 feet underneath my boot, I do realize that if they don\u2019t take out bugs, then our industry will suffer from various forms of insect contamination, damage, infestations, ect. \u00a0Sure, we can spray chemicals all day long, but the\u200b<\/p>\n

from arachnophobia. \u00a0After you walk through arborvitaes, get a face full of web, and notice that a fearsome, nightmarish creature with more eyeballs than you is staring back at ya, I have no problem making an appointment.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Minions, it has been a pleasure entertaining you with the Chronicles once again. \u00a0It\u2019s been a VERY long time since I had my rantings such as this, so maybe your Cap\u2019n will continue to appear with his misadventures at the end of the seasons. \u00a0Be safe out there!<\/p>\n

-Cap\u2019n<\/p>\n

\"David<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Good morning, Minions, and welcome, once again, to another episode of the Chronicles of your favorite Cap\u2019n. \u00a0It has been some time since your Cap\u2019n has made an appearance in these articles, or on other social media sites for that matter. So it\u2019s been requested, or rather encouraged, from \u201cThe Man With The Big Mustache\u201d […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":7429,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[103,18,22,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7428","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-2023-posts","category-about-us","category-landscaping","category-plants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7428","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7428"}],"version-history":[{"count":19,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7428\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8065,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7428\/revisions\/8065"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7429"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7428"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7428"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.christensensplantcenter.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7428"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}